europe is so far away

she rang in the new year with cupcakes and tears in the bathroom. there were lights and ex-lovers and she knows there are condoms tucked in his suitcase behind the boxers with the holes in them. europe is so far away and it's just that much louder that she has to scream. she'll go again someday, she knows she will, but doesn't know if this is the year for redemption.

the new calendar on her wall is all that's changed. it used to be lighthouses, now it's just plain white paper printed from the burlington public library. it's blank and she hasn't written anything in it because, damn, it's better to have nothing than a whole lot of something she hates. she can't write what she wants on a calendar. the nights she goes to the bars and talks with his ex, the night she goes to the movies alone and laughs into her popcorn.

she found out her father does coke and her mom's having an affair. its the new year.