rainballs

like roses on fingertips. the rain needs to learn not to take itself so seriously. the rain needs to learn that typos happen in the course of things, and that it's important not to erase. the rain needs to learn that it doesn't need to carry a knife on the subway. the knife needs to learn not to be afraid. the rain needs to learn form the knife. the saboteor needs to learn from the rain. hence balalnce. hence balalalalalalalalalance. its ululuations. ululations. ululululululululuulations. the rain needs to learn that money doesn't grow on trees. the rain needs to learn to sing sometimes because how else are you going to live. the rain needs to learn that twenty-three-years-old-is-not-too-old-to-be-old. the rain needs ot learn that its okay to drink. the rain needs to learn that its okay to get high. the rain needs to learn that when its raining it should wear a raincoat, rain's coat. the rain needs ot learn that its okay to love. the rain needs to learn that its okay to juggle desire. the rain needs ot learn how to go down on you better. the rain needs to learn how to tonguewaggle. the rain needs to learn how to type faste.r the rain needs ot learn the esence of motivation its strugles how it goes how it goes how it goes.

there are still mad hatters to invite.

so here I am, cold and alone in the room of my judgement. In here stands the epitome of what I've been studying for. And I hate it. Ambivalence prevails. Horrid, sloppy, cheap. The time I've spent does not hold when seen up close. This should have been done in 2 days, It's taken me a week, and life is running short.
Meditation, comfort, 120 flights short of revelations but still in understanding. Closest to conflict I've ever been and yet still holding ground. Academic oblivion is on the brink, but we must not give in like Artaz from that movie. You know the one. Where Atreyu perseveres, because soon he will realize that life will always go on, and to give in so early would only be sad and pointless. And heart-wrenching.
So I remain in this room, with my make believe yellow wallpaper, and I'll screw on. Each hour that goes by I wish I had it this entire time, but in not having it I should be thankful. 2 semesters on the edge of snapping would stress my joints too fully.

And will anyone see it? Will anyone care or understand? Will you? or you? Im sure YOU will, and Im sure that YOU wont. But like I told the ET, its not for school. Its for me, and it happens to come with the perk of fulfilling a requirement. That reminds me...

Over. And over and over. And.

All my thoughts, as of late are cliche. Time is short. I want to change my life...is this all there is? etc. I can't seem to escape this "Groundhog's Day" gag reel. My fingernails are getting worse. Then I think to myself before taking a step the direction of wild, "what have I to lose? Everything in just a few people." Well, crap.

Movie-life

It's a movie-life and we don't want it. Didn't ask for it, didn't look for it, didn't choose it.

It'll get rid of it all, flush it away, make you forget and never look back. But you'll feel it sometimes and wonder what it is.

Slice

I will whisper, I want to be sweet like fruit; I want to watch you wince from my juices when you put me to your mouth.

snapping the light, let it bust outward instead of straight and true

to taste it once again, to fall into that cage of distortion, or incoherence, or revelation, of the stereotype.
I know this isnt good, me missing it, but my plans thoughts dreams goals decisions adventures were so much better before I lost it all. Even right before a hair cut, there was some remainder. Im ashamed, as I think anyone in a similar position should be, but I realize that these events of the past are all I have to link me artistically to those monuments. It isnt uncommon, its far more acceptable than one in the light would at first believe, and it was only for experience.

I've had that experience now, so i need to stop. whats done is done, and I wont let the habit strike back.
After all, I choose to forget the bad trips. And I only really miss the clarity, the pristine muddyness of the mind. Making sense and having epiphanies only to forget an hour later. Writing was so much easier then. Conversing with strangers was exciting and welcome. Avoiding authorities was a gamble on the whole deal.
The other side
of distortion.

share

right around the corner and its all over. In a few months time will be like no other time prior. and I can hardly wait. At the same time, what will I do? I cant work, I wont interact. back to that unstoppable pursuit to finding the perfect moment. The solitude where I can call a location mine. I dont want to settle for the parking garage again. The concrete was hard on my bum. And what will happen to her and I? I'd like to see her but I dont know how or when. Maybe her birthday, but thatll be 3 months in the waiting.
And afterwards? I'll be working or something forever.
i dont want to work forever
I want right now, to persist for eternity. I'm so comfortable, here in my little chair, empty and loose. My clothes are fitting perfectly today, no muscle pains, Im clean.
Everything is so quiet. here I am, "working" and no one is making a sound. the loudest sound is my fingers right here and now and the heater humming away. keeping me comfy.
And here I'll remain, for better or worse.
so now what?

I'd like to go on, but will anyone read it anyway?
are you reading it?
I bet you are.
so what do you think? what does the summer hold for you, reader?
I'll be eager to read your ramblings.