upday

today we packed a van with boxes
for a trip taht will take hours, almost
nine, if we're lucky, if that's what we're
going for.

we have a place to live, and its walls
are purple, and lavender is growing
outside.

i am waiting to become famous. hopefully
i will hear back soon.

Roots

Uproot again. Tear away, replant. The roots, they'll grow, they'll find what they need, and you'll have to fight against "out of sight, out of mind."

Think of a shooting star that youve seen in your lifetime. Any one of them, just pick one.
What was your wish when it fell? Did you ever think it would come true when you wised it? HAS it come true?
Now think of its duration. A blip in time, and its already faded, lost, making you lie waiting patently for your next wish.
Did you ever, while watching, wonder as to whether these stars are falling towards us, or away from us? Are they finding the wishers? Or are they trying to escape from fulfilling our hopes and dreams? Do you think this would have effect on the past wishes that have already come and gone?

Does your attitude about that star affect your attitude of the next?

Does if make you wonder about the rest of the shower?
Whether THAT one was the best or merely and appetizer?

What happened at the end of your meteor shower? Didnt you linger outside for any last surprises; hopes that youd get a secret showing when all others had lost faith and interest? Or did you duck out early because of the cold? The best showers are always in the coldest, harshest conditions Ive found.

I? I linger. And now, my wish did not come true.
But it was one hell of a star.

perpetual motion

I'll be by the river as much as I can. With the bugs and birds screaming and the water roaring. I'll sit there sweating in peace and quiet letting my world course through my head.
And i'll wish you were there.
We could scream with the bugs and bird. We could roar back.
We could talk about our worlds.
Discuss lives
But you're too far away.
So I'll sit there, by the river, by myself.

Ill miss the indecisions. the way we never spoke to anyone and complained how crowded everyhwere was even if there were only 150 people on campus at a time. Ill miss how alone we feel when we cant get a moement to ourselves. I might even miss the fights, the unspoken arguements that should have, but never happened. I'll miss the noise, sit in my room in silence and thinkj " wow, its really over. what next?" and no one will be with me to sympathize because we'er all on our ownm we always have been. And I knoew that this means little to many, but I dont care, because this is what we're here for, like a planet fitness for the mind, and we;ve got lifelong memberships. So judege or dont, I dont care. I dont feel guilty for anything I may have done, I dont regret any decisions I've made over the past 4 years,, Im now starting to see how it ALL strung together, I believe fate is what you make it to be, and Im making mine positive. somehow.
I felt bad for a while that I wasnt leaving a legacy or anything behind. Thats still true now, but what could I have done? We never speak aloud our thoughts until goaded, or until its so pent up in us that we need to expel. Everyone here knows about the need to expel...
I'll miss the lost opportunities, the lack of goodbyes, the times we needed a good drink but were to busy to be bothered. I'll miss that time where we never hung out when we should have. And I wish sometimes we werent hanging out when we did.
4 years come and gone, and like highschool its all over/. I havent spoken to anyone from highschool since graduation, and Im sure and worried that its a repeating cycle.

Being an adult

i realized today that I'm all grown up, looking up my nostrils
in the mirror and finidng nosehairs up my nostrils, mirrored
back at me nosehairs. It's a little gross to think about. It's a litte
gross considering how they can tease out, twist, curl, tangle up.

I realized I'm grown up when my friend told me he wasn't coming
back because he had been kicked out. I realied that I'm grown up
because that didn't happen to me. And I'm sorry that it did to him,
but I'm glad that it didn't happen to me, because I worked for it
and, well, I'm ashamed of that, and that is, I'm told, what being an adult is.

Visuals for the beast

Why are we fascinated with the gruesome? Sea Monsters, Horror - blood, guts, ghosts and their dusty, moldy, gooey bones? I cut my finger a little over a month ago and was close to fainting - it hurt so bad and took forever to stop bleeding - but i wanted it to stop so I could see the tissue underneith - somehow I thought there'd be more texture more sinew. Mangled bodies and cruddy crusts of bottom ocean dwellers (and glacier-formed lakes), skeletons and supposed spirit shadows. Of course the answer is instinct and carnal however natural, I'm not sure I'm proud of that part of my curiousity.