long day

What is this? simply my id being jealous? or something more? I thought these thougts were gone, but no, they were jsut repressed. I still feel like i've always felt. Nothings changed about me except my manners. I wonder if that IS all thats changed. I know I care less for many things, and on the same side I feel more care and compasion for things I once didnt. I sound the same, look the same, i thought I acted the same, but I guess not.

Is it better? I mean to everyone else?

I spent a third of a year telling myself to focus on the me, and less on the once was. I spent 4 months being selfish, and thinking this is allfor me. I should live to the fullest, becaase IM here and no one else. cant have it be wasted no can I?

but thats rubbed off now, and Im here, talking about it, for you and others to read if you'd like.

I need to be more polite methinks. I dont really know if that will help but I dont like that I came back truely different. I thought it would be an enlightening experience but now that I know its happened, I wish it didnt happen. I cant control the world.

I dont believe in solipsism. Existentialism drives me wild.

how can we believe as beings that everything has purpose,

likewise, how can we believe we're completely random?

to believe we're random, I feel its too much to ponder existence then. We shouldnt ponder our life if we're jsut a cosmic accident!

but the flip side, whats the purpose? I see strangers everyday that look unhappy or dull. We all do. We invent stories, and forget them. In our minds eye we swap out the faces with any one can imagine. Its days like these that make me question being an artiest, it makes me feel pointless and angry and afraid to know that Im one of these failed participents on existence. Im part of the same system