Secrets so dear, so close, no matter who we surround ourselves with, the whole truth stays hidden. And was it really that much of a surprise? to be innocent or ignorant of the whole big picture? Even now, I think and believe in things that I wish I wouldnt. I know full well details I'll refrain from referring to when the questions are asked. I have those same secret desires, the wishes, the needs to explain everything, but one person cannot handle the burden of all my blathering. I could tell it all, and I have, but I need to tell more than one person. and I worry the people I surround myself now are not the ones who can handle my complete truths.
Likewise, I wont handle theirs. I learn nothing I want to from them, and I cant go to them for support ever, because more often than not, they are part of the problem, or have been. Everythings connected after all.
Everythings changed though. One solid bridge for support and direction is now a delicate spiderweb of alterations, misdirections, lies and fragility.
Im all to blame. But I suppose that would be unfair to those around me, to the people that care.
It makes me want summer to come sooner. I'll claim connection with the ones I hold precious, but I wonder how I'll hold up relationships with these friends. It wouldnt be the first time I've left somewhere and never looked back. but I always look back and cringe at what I've done, what i do, what I want to happen, and Ive always been that way, so how can I change?
But is that fair?
I dont even know if any of this makes sense anymore. My dream now is one of solitude. Not loneliness or separation, but solitude. I'm my own best audience, and was a fool to think anyone around me would be as moved by my show as I was.
thats enough, time to sign off.
I'll prolly post something in another few hours
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