everythings cold

cars are the dominant species on this planet. Adams had it right. and so did the other adams, we're just star dust after all. I sat at the top of my parking garage, a hundred feet above that which I'm trying to avoid, and its all I could think about. I was frozen physically and figuratively. I hate the holidays, especially being broke and seeing money just being thrown away for junk. Junk that I sell happily but falsely to anyone. I love my job, but only the part where Im a kid in a candy store running frantically to the next hot item. I hate the consumer ideology yet I follow its creed to the letter.

thousands millions billions of us all scrambling and jostling for what they believe make others happy and I try to make only myself happy and fail. No one's to blame, but I'll do it anyway, the winter. Literally life threatening to stay outdoors, the one place I find solace, and being broke cuts the chances I can "be" freely.

I suppose thats enough, I dont want to be late for work.

how it used to be

pick it up and look now, it's okay to look.
it's nothing new, it's all the same.
or, really, it's how it used to be.
well, you've changed a little.
but i'm the same. i think.
alright, i'll be honest, it's all different.
different than it's been recently, i mean.
it's the way it used to be, don't you understand?
it's not how it was, but it's how we started.
all this time i thought you wanted to begin again.
my mistake. i'd re-do it if i could.
but i can't.
so you'll have to be content with the way we've left things.
because we have left them, haven't we?
or maybe we're leaving them.
but it's how we began, anyway. don't you remember?
i suppose i don't either.

what I havent got yet

just for a time, we should all allowed to be the people we want to be. I want to see what it would be like to be lost in the woods. To live in a log cabin by myself or with a dog. To be a professional anything through which opinion matters. I want to try to be in a failing relationship, or a new upcoming one, or an aggresive one, or a dull one. I want all of my friends to hate me and disrespect me., to spit in my path as I go about my day. I want to eat right, work out, be lazy and binge. I want a disease, some life consuming bout of sickness to sap me of all desire. I want cancer. I want euthanizing drugs. I want a family, both one to see me off with cancer, and one to just live happy with. I want a society of innocents; ignorant people sure, but happy. I want to live in the city, in the slums of new york. Skid row and have it feel natural. I want to fly. To swim without fear. to roll in the grass down a hill in summer. to jump in more leaf piles. To break bones, to injure myself. To do dangerous things just for the scars, the stories. Reading books. Reading magazines. Reading newspapers. to be an intricate part of the world and to watch from the side lines. to see the rise and fall of things like the economy, moral values, religious movements and tectonic shifts. Just bring it. All of it. I dare you.

A Revisit Mutilated

Somewhere in the middle, I got to have my fantasy. Its brief like most men and all I do is sit.

After he takes off all his clothes, I say no.

And you see, maybe the problem was, I wanted to teach him color theory with my mouth.

.......

I had a dream last night in which I considered the morning, afternoon and night of a bullet as it traveled on the way to its destination.

.......

Last night, all I knew were the bloodstains on my pillow and how difficult it was to fall back asleep.

......

I’ve had my anger, my repulsion, my jealousy. I’ve mourned and celebrated you. You are the story I love to tell. The story necessary for those who want to know me. And in all of our destruction, we’ve never destroyed each other.

......

So the pressure, followed by the relief, my ability to disappear just like you. But now, pressing, like teeth against skin, sinking deeper, pain masked by the dance of the tongue. Deeper, begging to bruise... do you bruise?

......

Eager enthusiasm is my dis-ease.