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Thursday, February 11, 2010

Child-Lady

I am just a whisper. A constant child on the outside. you look at my front stage of bundled winter cold and my small, shyness and must think, "there goes the child-lady."

bunches of tantrum words rise in me at these passings by, every day. Every day starts with "if only" and ends with "never." I make desperate attempts to convince myself it's their loss. It's your loss. I am the nice one. The one who listens, who cares. smiles on faces holding hands - frostbite - but together with no hats or scarves.

Why not me? So easily answered - so many different answers I see it as truth. Don't think like that - you don't even have time for a guy in your life. Yeah, but I'd like to have the option.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Am I not alone in memory?

It stings far more than I thought it would. It was of no surprise, but a slap in the face is still a slap in the face even when you brace yourself for it. There was no provocation, no reason as of late for it to happen, though it did. and I suppose it was long overdue. And the worst part, I dont even know when. Must have been at the outset of the new year. Both of them.
Like I said, I'm not surprised, but there was just something about it that made me hopeful I guess.
Oh well.
I suppose that chance encounter will never happen. It's true, the more you think about it, the less likely will it happen the way you imagine it to be.
so why do I still think about it? And am I not the only one of us like Ive secretly suspected all this time?
Am I not alone in memory?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Sunday Pizza

Breath in. Sigh. Sunday - I hate Sunday well no don't I hate the expectations that come with Sunday. Did you do your your homework? No. Then you can't draw you can't work on your own stuff. so how else am I supposed to do it? mmm pizza. mmm warm nap - I wish someone took it with me. well, I'm sure they did, just in a different bed. What the hell is that sound? I hate waiting but I hate being alone. I feel I can use the word "hate" because it's only geared towards myself. No guilt involved. mmmmmpizza aftertaste - *pause for bite*I took two - I'm really hungry. I want Lo Mein and Crab Rangoon. How can Chinese food be romantic - it's so greasy! Sometimes, I feel like I don't chew right. because my mouth is so small. Small and child-like. grow up you're going to to be a teacher!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Tuck away

"My sister and I always had to choose between going blind or going deaf. We'd talk about it in the dark. Eventually, one of us will go blind and one of us will go deaf. We'd have to figure out a way to communicate because, God, what a lonely world it would be without a sister.

I sometimes thought I'd prefer to be deaf. I could still walk around, travel, explore the world like I've always dreamed. Curl up on the couch and read a book.

I sometimes thought I'd prefer to be blind. I could learn how to read with my fingers and stay up all night talking, and it wouldn't matter because it would be dark anyway. I could hear the music and the sounds that are so comforting, so valuable.

Then I realize that no matter what, I could only communicate with my sister with some sixth sense. So I'm looking for one to tuck away inside me until the day comes when we lose our senses."

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

3d person

I tell people I try see everything from the outside. Unbiased, ignorant. So I can give an honest opinion and judge how it would look to me if I were a stranger. I saw myself from the outside for an entire semester, to make up for the semester previous. I kept my ideas to myself and felt as though I was the only target of my reflections. But I was wrong.
Given all of this time, I havent had any truly contemplative moments where I see others as I saw myself, or really saw myself as other have seen me. I see others, and I see myself, but selfishly.
And I dont even know where Im going with this anymore, so if you have any ideas, I love comments.

yet another day

so much olor so little laces to visit where I can be free as the ealges engagered as they are you cant even take a feather without taking a bite out your banbks asss. 25 grand or somehting rediculous like that. but without the feathers how can I make the wings to fly where i need be? Wax is nothing, thats the caution, the feahters are the ghings you need in life that are restricted . Without those feathers i cant escape. no hope but to stay in prison. I can smell the salted air but can never again tast fox's ice cream. the rocks would be a nice place to contem[plate thes things, ut now theyre overrun with tourists and people like me who only want ot feel uniquie. people like me. its not fair, we try so hard to leave, but we all head for the same place, so how can we escape? when would we be free except to hold back. I dont want to progress if it means the restof the world will keep moving forwards with no cares for me or my feathersuit. They'll call me a chicken, some tar and feather victim, but I'll know what the real score is. I'll show them.

Monday, February 1, 2010

paper:flower:girl

folded like paper the flower girl at the ehart of things
she's up in there inside of me under the ehart with hear
that's red like setting sun not to beat around the bush
but she'sa mermaid and she flies and i've seeen her carried
i watched the ocean washo ver her the way it does
now the way its washing wright now the way its washing
over me its washing over you can you imaging living at
the sea side and never getting buried under the sand
that what is like that i promise you is what it slike
being baked
like a pie
being baked
under the sun
being baked baked baked baked baked
baked baked.
its' laa relative. the nateur of baking. the nature of the potato who's been sabotaged. the nature of the rose thorns on the patio. when pricked when bleed. when baked when dead. when ravens and crows convene to congregate about rose throns the black of their fetahres you can't see through its like ink, like word.s i wonder if anyone knows the truth of hte city. i ownder if anyone knows the beating hearts. i woner for you, mr. loner. i wonder for you mr. skin and bones, under this ghaggard flex. under these nipples udner these hair. i wonder if you've been baked. i wonder if you've been the city. a tumultuous pastime. i left os many behind. i tramped a girl under the city. i trampled a girl under my city. she remembered loving me once, and i told her about the curls and about the rubber soles and about the word that gets pressed when you stamp hard enough. i told her about the times in the night.
dear lady,

i love you

dear sir,

i love you

dear city,

i love you i love you dear city my love. somewhere under concerete is kin and bones. somewhere under iron is the passivity of grave. i wanted to talk about grace but all it comes out as death as skull and pones buy.

dear city, dear city,
dear city, i love you,
dear city, dear city,
this hoel, that i love you

its all coming out here, in this little letter in this last note to grace the end of the colelction.
this matter ofthe city. this matter
of the asphalt. the i disappointment
of the matter o f the asphalt.

the clock ticks down.

dear city.

the clock ticks down.

dear city.

simic writes that the end is as meaningless as the beginning,
or, that isn't correct, it is a paraphrase, a dumbing down, a
simplification of the city. don't you understand lungs?

look, i love you, and i remember things about
you mermaid. maybe leaving, maybe staying.

look, i love you, city.

look i love you! in the mirror,
there is a standout tower, a wall of windows
and portsl reflecting, and looking through
and looking through you see them, and looking
at the window you can see how it is really a mirror
and even if you are falling you are inside and the
carpet is plush or ochre

same time next week, jelly bean

seam times

like sewing

like she sewed

like the city's seaweed
as the saltwater comes up the streets and through the doors
and washes right up to your toes and you count he grains
that tgather in the ply of the carpet and you can see the cat
in a sailboat on mainstreet, he looks disctracted
there is a dead mouse in the bow
and you can see the ribcage
and you can see the organs
under the rib cage
there are organs
like uder the city there is another city
and under that city veins
and under that city bacteria

when you finally reach the bottom let me tall you something
YOU WONT LIKE IT BECAUES ITLL SEEM FALSE AND YOULL
LOOK BACK ON THE THINGS YOU"VE SAID TO THE CIT AND youLL
WONDER< DID IT REALLY MATTER ALL THAt much?

did it really matter because the mermaid still prefers the ocean
and the sandysilt backs at your toes

and your baking under this sun
your skin is peeling
and under your skin is someone
that looks a little like you
but younger
and paler
and more naive

and you just want to take them to town
buy them a present
say be well
say i'll see you another day
say time to go, lover

and then you'll wander back up the street
and the city will yawn
and the vast magnitude of it all
can be forgotten under it all
the vast magnitude
can be forgtotten